I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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