Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
