I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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