Your dad touched me again.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
