FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
