If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he shaved USA in his pubs
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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