My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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