cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
