I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize