I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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