Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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