Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
