I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am naked and annoyed.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
