dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
