I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
