you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
