So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize