we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
