First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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