So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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