Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
