DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
