youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
God, I missed his penis.
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