thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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