Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
