Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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