Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
