i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
