I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize