I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
