I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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