I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
