thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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