she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
