Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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