i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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