Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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