Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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