that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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