so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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