It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
