I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize