I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
