Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I intend to get homeless drunk
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
