I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
