Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize