I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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