i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
