No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
