I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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