everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
