I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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