we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
did i just pee glitter
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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