youre lurking in front of me
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
