and she was petting her beer can
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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