It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
